Thursday, December 27, 2007

2007 Year-end Awards: Part 1

Okay, in the tradition of pretty much everything printed in America ever, here are The Kitchen Drawer's 2007 Year-end Awards! (I'm calling this Part 1 just in case inspiration hits again later. Elsewise, consider it an homage to Mel Brooks.)

Just like all of these kinds of awards, some of these will be blindingly obvious, some will be head-scratchers, and some will just plain stink. Also, they will all be announced prior to the actual end of 2007, meaning they may become completely irrelevant before the year is done. On with the show!

Consumer Product of the Year: Chinese lead This award is obvious, but we really have to pay homage to this new wonder product. Is there anything Chinese lead can't do? I mean, it can be used to make anything, although it's especially useful for making toys. (Note that this one is so obvious I don't even need to provide links to other stories. Yeah, that's right, y'all know what I'm talkin' about.)

Catchphrase of the Year: "Don't tase me, bro!" Yes, this is the only category where the choice was even more obvious than Consumer Product of the Year. Again, no links are necessary, but because I never get tired of the video, here's an embed anyway.

Really, he should have been tased just for his fashion crimes. [Clarification: I'm referring to the offending student's fashion cirmes. I'm okay with MC Hammer. His fashions were time & place appropriate, believe it or not.] Don't go showing your underwear like you're some sort of gangsta, preppy boy.

(I don't want to embed too many videos in this, but here's a great folk song version of the Catch Phrase of the Year: kinda has a Johnny Cash feel to it....)

Which leads me to:

Blogpost of the Year: Udolpho's "Another university student dealt with appropriately…" The opening 'graph wins the title all by itself:

I love these news items. Lefty student behaves like a jackass and gets tasered and hauled roughly away. People, the system works.

Best Post-Tasing Headline of the Year: "Tasering postpones Kevorkian appearance"

The only thing that could have made all of this better is if there had been Chinese lead in the Taser that started it all.

But there were non-Taser, non-Chinese lead stories this year, so on with the rest of it!

Sportsman of the Year: Clint Bowyer Some of you are no doubt asking, "Who's Clint Bowyer, and why should he get this recognition?" Well, Clint is a driver on the NASCAR circuits. This year he finished third in the Nextel Cup standings, but that's not why he gets this award. He gets this award for his 18th place finish at the 2007 Daytona 500. You don't think that's too impressive? Well, you're wrong. Bowyer crossed the finish line while his car was upside down, sliding sideways, and on fire! (Watch starting at the 4:05 mark.) Truly an outstanding effort!

Most Tiresome Story of the Year: The Beckhams come to America Look, you media assholes: No one cares about metric football in this country, and we're not going to care because some greasy Englishman gets over-paid to under-perform for an American metric football team. Not even if he's married to Anorexic Fake-Boobed Spice.

Financial Story of the Year: The Sub-Prime Mortgage Fiasco The one bright spot in this crisis is that at least a few of those responsible are being made to feel a slight pinch for their transgressions. But given that they'll get to keep their jobs, perhaps I should call that a slightly less dim spot. Perhaps the only man in New York City having a worse year is Isiah Thomas. Of course, Zeke gets to keep his job, too. All of which gets me to ...

Wisest New Saying of the Year: T-Rex's "Failure is just success rounded down." T-Rex is the cleverest dinosaur stomping on things today. This wisdom also comes on a t-shirt! That's how you know it's good. (Scroll down about 2/3rds of the page.)

That's it for now, but I do think a Part 2 will be coming in the next day or two. Feel free to suggest categories & winners.

1 comment:

Icepick said...

The Missus recommends the category Dumbass of the Year, and suggests "Don't tase me, bro"-boy as the winner. I like the category, but I'm going to have to think about whether or not DTMB-Boy is truly the most outstanding dumbass of the year. Other nominations?