Sunday, July 18, 2010

THIS is why I'm NEVER leaving the USA!

NOTE: I started work on this post back on the night of March 23 2008. A few weeks later my life fell apart so the post never got completed. (I don't know why I didn't complete it before then. I have a huge volume of stuff "under construction".) But this post at Ambiance reminded me of all the fun. I've made a couple of minor changes, but I'm mostly just publishinig my draft as I don't know what else I had in mind.


Wherein it gives added weight to the phrase "Don't drink the water!"

WARNING: The contents of this post are quite disgusting!

Of all things, a blog post about Kate Beckingsale's eating habits led me to detailed instructions concerning the proper procedures for use of the dreaded Squat Toilet. ("Rule One: Exhaust all other possibilities." - My wife comments that this is the Golden Rule of Squat Toilets.)

Apparently squat toilets are very common in China. With the Olympics being held in China this year in 2008, many people are now were trying to discover how exactly one uses a squat toilet. Well, the interwebs, amazing things that they are, helpfully provide the answer! (Note that the blog post in question is almost two four years old.)

Proceed as follows:

Most stalls do not have toilet paper. This is the best time to realize this. Either take paper from the general dispenser in the bathroom area or preferably bring your own as it will be made of tissue and not plywood carpaccio.

Approach the squat toilet apprehensively and make sure it's not covered in stool. If it is covered in stool, choose another stall. If another stall is not available, accept the cards that have been dealt you. This is a good time to come up with a title for your experience such as My Great B.M. Adventure or Disgusticon One.

Close the door to the stall, knowing full well the handle has more germs on it than the entire population of Botswana.

Place your feet on the appropriate foot grids, assuming they are not covered in stool. If they are covered in stool, place your feet on the least fouled space you can find, being careful to maintain balance.

Unfasten and drop your trousers and underpants, making sure that they do not make contact with the urine and stool covered surface area.
The post goes on at great length from there, and gets no less disgusting.

Not enough "Ick!" in the world.

To completely misquote Douglas Adams, "Panic!" Although this does provide the perfect reason to always carry a towel.

I can't even begin to imagine how a woman would use this thing while wearing pantyhose.

As the Banterist asks
Grimace and ask yourself if a country with such a toilet can or should ever be a superpower.

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